Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
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I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
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Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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