whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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