Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
