All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
