I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the condom got lost in my hair
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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