So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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