nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize