Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
