Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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