I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
