did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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