Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
