So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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