I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
