his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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