Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
