I must be too annoying 4 u.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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