He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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