You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
