I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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