he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
