Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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