Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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