I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
