so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
