bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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