I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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