If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
