Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
