i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Who died my cat blue again?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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