ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
