Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
