I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
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She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
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I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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