I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
