like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
