i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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