I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So much rum. So many feels.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
