bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
