Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
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He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
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He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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