I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
