i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
