But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
