fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
