Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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