Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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