The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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