I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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