eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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