i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
