Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
