Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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