New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
