And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Randomize
