im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
