Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
