went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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