when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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