I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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