i dedicated my morning wood to you.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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