woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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