Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
